I knew I always wanted to be a mother…I just wasn’t aware of what emotionally, mentally, and physically draining journey it would be. Only a select few people know the deep truth of this journey, so here goes the raw truth. Flash back nearly 12 years ago when I was placed on birth control pills due to having horrible & painful periods. I avoided going to school, hanging with friends and really doing anything when Aunt Flo showed up. It was misery.

I graduated high school a full year early, and not too soon later I moved out of my parents home in with some friends, including my now husband. We all rented a large home together. During this time period Devin(My now husband) and I became a “thing” and eventually started to date. In the month of August 2016, something wasn’t right. Remind you, I was still on birth control. My period, late. A week later, still no period. I honestly thought the good Lord was giving me a break from my miserable menstrual cycle. Nope. The cramps came flying in. I was in so much pain. Several days later, I find myself calling out of work and going into see a doctor. My period finally started, but worse then any period I ever had. As soon as I got there they asked if I was or could be pregnant…There was no way I could be pregnant, as I was on birth control. Right!? Well, I find my self sitting on the fancy ultrasound table, with the nurse explaining how she believed my body was experiencing a chemical pregnancy, aka a miscarriage. I was shocked. I went back to the room to talk to the doctor about what he think might have happened. Little did I know that day was the start of my journey to becoming a mother.

When I look back on that day in August 2016, most of it is a blur. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant at that point in my life, but that day was a true eye opener to me.

Flash forward to the year of 2018! In this year Devin & I bought our first home together, and were actively trying to get pregnant at this point. Shhh, don’t tell our parents!

In October 2018 I realized Aunt Flo was a day late, which wasn’t abnormal, but I decided to test anyways. Of course the test was negative.I threw the test in the trash and sat in the warm tub. While sitting there, I had this strange feeling and felt like I needed to look at the test again. Sure enough, there was a faint faint faint line. I was pregnant. For a few days I watched the line get darker. I went to my OBGYN for labs, and they confirmed the pregnancy. However, they had to place me on progesterone as my levels were extremely low. I went every other day to get my blood drawn. My HCG needed to double every 48 hours, and mine wasn’t. I was monitored closely, but was untimely sent to have another ultrasound where they found out I had miscarried. Though I never knew the gender, but this angel was due on July 4, 2019. This miscarriage hit hard. I felt so broken and sad, but I never let it show, to anyone. I was grateful that it happened earlier on, but damn, it sucked.

For the next several months, I became a lab rat. Every week seemed like there was a new blood test or procedure to figure out why I could get pregnant but not stay pregnant. My arms were bruised from the all the needles. I looked like I was a heroin addict. They even ran test on Devin. Everything came up normal, beside my Thyroid, which was already in the process of get treated.

During this time period we were still actively trying. And low and behold, I was pregnant AGAIN! Everything seemed to be better. My HCG levels were better, the test lines were dark, and the doctors automatically placed me on progesterone to help ensure this baby would stick and stay! My HCG was doubling! And then a blood draw showed that it didn’t fully double like it was supposed to… I was at work when the phone nurse called, stating they need to see me to rule out a few things… I knew where this was headed. I went for another ultrasound to find out that again, there was no baby and I was gearing up to start to bleed. This little blessings due date was September 15, 2019.

At this point, I told my self I was done trying. I was scared of the fact that I was more than likely being referred out to fertility specialist. I was tired of sitting at home on the bathroom floor waiting for the pain and bleeding to stop. It wasn’t fair.

My team of doctors, weren’t ready to give up just yet. So there i went back for more lab work and test. This was starting to get expensive, and overall, overwhelming

A few months later I called my nurse to talk about my options. To my surprise my doctor was out of town (i think she was even in a different country) and was communicating to another OBGYN and they came up with a plan. They wanted me to try fertility medicine, a “magic” pill. The only issue with that is that it can cause double ovulation and cyst to grow. They were taking a hunch as this was their last effort before I had to get referred out. They honestly weren’t even sure this would work, but I was ready to give it a try.

March 23, 2019 Devin and I got married, and a few days later I took the fertility medicine. I had to be closely monitored by the doctor. On 9 DPO the test was still blazing negative. On April 19, 2019 on 10 DPO, I took a test first thing in the morning…. POSITIVE. my heart dropped. I was in tears I was so excited, but I was more terrified then anything. The doctors got me in that following Monday to do labs. They monitored me like a hawk.

Fast forward to May 2, and I’m all decked out in field day attire at work & things are going great until I’m in horrific pain. I could barley walk. I called the OBGYN, and they got me in immediately as they needed to rule out an Ectopic pregnancy. I was fully ready to hear, “ma’am, I’m so sorry, but you’re having a miscarriage”.

At this point, I knew what I’m looking for on the screen. I laid down, and I was praying for the best, but was expecting the worse. A few moments go by I hear “oh wow, you’ve double ovulated, let me look around and make sure you’re not having twins”. The tech is moving the probe thing around, and around, and bloop! There it is. One perfect sac with a fetal pole. I had a sticky baby! Hearing the words that “your baby looks great”, was a phase I hadn’t heard, but a phrase I so desperately needed to hear.

I was monitored very closely throughout my pregnancy, and I am forever grateful for the doctors and nurses that helped me on my journey to having my precious daughter.

Paisley Mae is my miracle rainbow baby, that was prayed for, hoped for, cried for, and longed for. She’s is my greatest blessing.